A Lesson In Romantics

6 June 2019

Perhaps the most confusing creature on this earth, by far, is the woman. An ever-flowing waterfall of hormones and emotions, the woman is a blubbering, hysterical mess who never seems to know what it wants. In addition to being fickle and overly sensitive, it is only attracted to men who treat it like a doormat. Few are less fortunate than the man who is everything a woman could possibly want and need in a partner, but remains trapped in the Friend Zone because it is blind to his sheer perfection. The antics of the woman are absolutely unfathomable. How is anyone expected to understand it? Do women even understand each other?
The paradox that is the woman, however, can be easily explained when compared to an entitlement program. An entitlement program is a government program that guarantees certain benefits and assistance to a particular segment of the population. Examples of entitlement programs are Medicare, Social Security, and federal retirement plans.

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The part of the population that is entitled to these benefits is the working sector. Essentially, people who work all their lives are entitled to be reimbursed for it later. Those that put in get to take out.

The woman operates in a very similar way. Those that put in get to take out. What does this mean? It’s simple–the man who puts forth the effort it takes to obtain a woman is the one who is entitled to get one. It is this basic principle that has always rung true, yet men have been missing it for decades.

Of course, the question of what qualifies as “effort” arises. Well, as stated before, entitlement programs cater to those who have worked all their lives for the benefits they receive. A person who has only worked a day in his entire life span is not likely to be awarded by these programs. So naturally, the man who half-heartedly pursues a woman is not likely to gain its affections (benefits). When it comes to earning a woman, much like Social Security, the key is persistence. Men who shower their targets with gifts, who follow it wherever it goes, who ask it on dates time and time again–in short, men who show how much they care–are the ones who are the most deserving of rewards.

It may very well take a long time for the woman to realize how worthy its suitor truly is, and thus patience is also a key element in the courtship of one. Afterall, people spend their entire lives working for Social Security. Those that put in get to take out. Think of the character Edward Bloom from the movie Big Fish. His wife was already engaged when he met it, but that did not stop him from claiming his prize. Edward relentlessly pursued the girl, finally winning it over by planting a field of daffodils–its favorite flower–in front of its sorority house.

Now, there is a point when the waiting game becomes ridiculous. The stubborn woman who continually objects to a suitable man’s advancements is clearly in the wrong. What if the government as a whole decided a person was not good enough to receive Medicare or retirement benefits, even though this person worked tirelessly for them and was completely eligible to collect? The government would no doubt be held accountable for its actions. These programs–as well as women–are something to which certain individuals are entitled to. To deny these individuals the prize that they have worked so very hard to obtain would be flat out immoral. Therefore, just like the government, the woman who attempts to oppress men by denying them their basic rights is subject to any reactions that men might be driven to.

For example, the princess from the movie Brave decided to refuse marriage, even though three different bachelors traveled overseas just to compete for the girl’s hand. This incredibly selfish act resulted in threats of war, and for good reason. Luckily for the princess, the men decided that there were other fish in the sea.
Yet another notable example is the sixteen-year-old girl who was stabbed to death in the halls of its high school last May. Prior to the attack, the girl had turned down a prom invitation from Christopher Plaskon, a handsome boy who–according to several witnesses–adored it. Even though the girl already had a boyfriend, Christopher was still set on having it for himself. Enraged by what was likely the hundredth refusal, Christopher stabbed it in the neck several times. And who could blame him? The girl had it coming.

The peculiar behavior of the woman has been giving men headaches since the beginning of time. This creature hardly make any sense with anything it says or does. Yet despite all of the woman’s shortcomings, it possesses a certain charm that drive men to seek it out. The quest to attain a woman can prove to be quite difficult, as its antics are beyond comprehension. But when compared to the basic system of government entitlement programs, the process of luring a woman becomes much simpler. The key is to just be patient and persistent. People who work hard are eventually awarded for their efforts. Those that put in get to take out.

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