All the Things I’m Not
To look at me, I’m just a “pretty boy,” puton Earth for the amusement of bullies who are jealous of my appearance, andcoveted as a boyfriend.
Now, if that’s true, I must also be conceited(that goes without saying) and pig-headed, too! I must think I’m God’s gift towomen. I’m really just a pretty face, I don’t have much else going for me. Godswitched brains for dimples, I guess. I bounce from woman to woman; I’m ashameless heartbreaker. Yet, I have been in a monogamous relationship for about ayear now. My GPA’s a solid B+, higher when I apply myself. I’m creative – Iwrite, I read, I play Dungeons & Dragons. Maybe I’m a nerd.
I read atleast 75 comics a month, usually more. I have a favorite writer, I’ve read morethan the required reading for English, and more than five books without pictures.
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I play role-playing games. I know what HP and THAC0 stand for, and while I’venever personally lost touch with reality, I’ve played with people who have. I’myour resident fanboy, and own six different Spider-Man T-shirts. I know whokilled Jason Todd (I own the actual issues and the trade paperback), and I’malways ready to argue over which was the best comic series ever,”Watchmen” or “The Dark Knight Returns.” I play with actionfigures. In fact, I’ve built an entire city in my room, and when no one’s around,I pretend the figures talk (I do a great Christopher Reeve impression). I dohomework. My I.Q. is more than the change in my pocket. I didn’t need acalculator for the SATs and I never took a prep course.
That said, I’mprobably antisocial. I shy away from sports and physical confrontation. I’veprobably never had a date, and I probably spend all day online (maybe nights,too). I’m probably on the newspaper staff, maybe even class president. Well, Ihave a girlfriend, I’m really vocal and I only go online for research. Plus, Ican bench 200 pounds and squat twice that much and I do play sports. Maybe I’m ajock.
I play a sport for every season, three for the sole purpose ofbecoming better at the main one. Yes, the world is shaped like a football, andorbit is made possible by the powerful arm of Testaverdi. AC/DC’s the best bandto get you pumped, and six straight losses is the best way to bring you down. Oneof my favorite movies is “Braveheart,” and although”Gladiator” was good, it doesn’t even come close. I want to be likeRudy, and I never want anything that happened in “The Program” tohappen to me. I’ve seen things men could never show their girlfriends; I can findthe locker room by smell alone and I know for a fact that mold can grow oncotton. I’ve heard “Welcome to the Jungle” 986 times this year (andit’s only April). I must run out of socks and underwear before I wash them, andeven then I go commando for a week.
Knowing this, you might think I pickon smaller kids or hang out in large groups. You might think I have a very bigbody with a little head. You’d assume that I use the words “dude” and”cool” constantly out of context (which I do). But that can’t be right.I mean, I can spell football and I only fight if necessary. Heck, sometimes Ieven use metaphors. Maybe I’m one of those artistic guys.
I have writtenat least one piece of any type of writing you can think of, and I enjoyed it all(except straight news articles, I really hate writing those). I’m going on myeleventh art credit. I took a fashion class and am not ashamed to admit it. Ihave a sensitive side – I cry during “Bambi.” I can appreciate theamount of time it takes to hand draw a couple hundred flowers. I know the fourkinds of self-portraits: one without looking in a mirror, one looking in amirror, one drawing from a picture and one of your hand. I know green’scomplement, and exactly what ROY G. BIV stands for. I understand Shakespeare, butnot a word of The Scarlet Letter. When essay assignments are announced, I’m theonly one who smiles, and whether you like it or not, I think this essay ishilarious. So, you would figure I’d be pretty quiet. You know, I can’t speakwell, so my writing will be my voice and such. Nope, I’m very loud. I talk andargue and sing. Maybe I’m one of those choir boys.
I was the only freshmanin my school ever to get a solo, I was in the elite Florida Singing Sons, I’veperformed at nine Sea Worlds, I know all eight versions of the “HallelujahChorus” and I have two medals for excellence from NYSSMA. But that’s notall; I’m also the lead singer of my very own punk rock band. It’s been one yearand we’ve had 447 different names. I know why Kurt Cobain shot himself, and Ihope I die before I grow old. I own at least ten Misfits T-shirts, and pants thatsay “Hey, Ho! Let’s Go!” on the crotch. I own leather pants and astudded bracelet. I’m currently waiting for McFarlane to wise up and make aDexter Holland figure, and I don’t care what your definition of punk is, GreenDay is good enough for me. By now I’m sure you’re not assuming anything, and I’msure you suspect that I also do many things to contradict this cliche, like I ownan Eminem record and Rod Stewart’s greatest hits. And while I do have a few bodypiercings, none of them is life-threatening.
Well, pigs can fly. Hell hasfrozen over. The world is coming to an end. Because the good-looking, faithful,singing, drawing and writing, jock fanboy is roaming the earth. They said itcould never happen, but I guess “they” were wrong. I make no excusesfor myself and pay no mind to your complaints or opinions. I’m everything thatI’m not, and I love it.