Blaming Myself for Doing the Right Thing

11 November 2018

To this day I still blame myself for everything you are about to read. When I was in high school I did not have many friends, so I joined marching band to be with my sister and her friends. Freshmen year came along and I was not happy that school was starting up soon. Band camp was just the beginning of the worst for me. Ugh heres to another useless year of my life alone. However that thought was the least of my problems and not close to what actually happened my freshmen year. The first week I ended up meeting my best friend Rachel. Rachel moved here from Braintree, which was our rival town. She was disliked by many people right away because she wore a lot of Braintree gear and did not back down no matter what happened.Even when she was pushed around by sport team members. However that being said this really did not help her transition to a new schooland with all of her family problems. Like her father throwing her out into the world. Rachel ended up being the reason why I did not transfer schools.

We both had problems and were able to easily relate to each other in different but similar ways. I was bullied by the same girl named Margaret from elementary school onto my senior year of high school. Margaret use to spread the worst rumors to the other grade just so people hated me the same way she did. Rachel was kicked out by her father, onto the door steps of her mother whom she had never met before and now had to deal with a whole new world. “This is coming from the women who claims herself to be my mother” was always something that Rachel would say to me when when they had just been in an argument. Somehow I was able to overlook the past, learn from Rachel, and grow as an individual. She came over my house and I went to her house anytime we needed each other and did not want to be alone. I knew that Rachel had a lot of struggles and problems with her life and things that I could not help with. Yet I never thought that the outcome would be so bad.

During my junior year Rachel became close to my older sister Annabella. During my sister’s nineteenth birthday party the only people who were invited by Annabella showed up which were Rachel, Sabrina, and Joe. However this is a strange group of people. My sister’s best friend was sabrina, Annabella was in love with joe, yet Joe was dating Sabrina. As you can guess this would probably cause an issue. My sister did not want to have me there for her party like she has never wanted me at any event she has ever had at my house before, so I was kicked out. I was sent downstairs to my basement to watch tv with my brother while Rachel stayed upstairs at the party. Knowing that this is what my sister wants and that after the party Rachel and I were having a sleepovermaking it okay with me for the few hours I would have to spend without her. My parents left to go drinking and had planned to be gone for no more than two hours at the most. Then the fighting began with Annabella and Rachel on one side and Sabrina and Joe on the other. This went on for probably 30 minutes, and my brother and I could hear it from my parents room. I tried to cover my eight year old brother’s ears so he could not hear to violent words that were being thrown around upstairs. The continues screaming and calling horrible names like B**** and S*** and many more other vulgar words.

“I have to pee Sophia!” Justin cried “But I am scared”. As I walked Justin upstairs and came back down I continually thought to myselfPlease don’t make a stupid mistake and swear with Justin upstairs. When I thought the worst was over and it was coming to an end it just got worst.

Rachel came downstairs to talk to me and hoped I would be able to calm her down. She came into my parents room crying and screaming, and the screaming that was going on upstairs did not get any better with Rachel gone. Rachel ended up going into an intensely bad panic attack. I ran upstairs to grab tissues for her and grab my brother. I hope Justin is okay he has been gone a while now. I grabbed the tissues and dragged Justin downstairs with me.

“Its safer down here!” I demanded, thinking that it was the best decision. “Come with me.”Yet again I was wrong. To this day I still blame myself for her hating everyone at that party.

When I got back she was on the floor throwing up, she looked over at me and told me to call 911 immediately because she was going to commit suicide. I was now in a state of panic and could barely react to anything. “Stay here with her Justin, I will be right back.” I commanded.Holy s*** what have we done to her, was bouncing around in my head the whole time. Panicking and in tears I ran up the stairs to call 911, but first I needed to stop the fight that was still going on with Annabella, Sabrina and Joe. When I rushed into the room crying and screaming “We need to call 911” the room went completely silent. As I got the phone I realized suddenly that I couldn’t do this all by myself. Joe called 911 instead because he was the calmest and has done it before and knew he could handle it. My sister called my parents while I ran back downstairs, and stayed by her side until the ambulance came. At that point my mom came home and Sabrina’s mom had driven over. The EMT gave us a lecture on how what we did was good; however,if we knew before, we could have saved this from happening. Ugh you are so stupid. This is why you don’t make friends! Was the only thought that was going through my mind the whole rest of the night. I watched as the ambulance pulled away to only be left to think now that my life was going to change forever. To this day Rachel still blames me for getting her sent away to the hospital.
Rachel was gone for the rest of the summer. We did not see each other again until band camp at the end of the summer. Although I tried to renew our friendship it did not work out in the slightest. Within the next year she went back to Lawrence Hospital to be closely evaluated again. I could not tell you the last time I have talked to her. Today I now understand that she needed help and I can’t blame myself for that.

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