Example of a Well Structured
Example of a well structured essay. The content isn’t that exiting and the conclusion is quite weak, but there are many good points to make on the way the essay is structured and the way the information is put across. All my comments are highlighted thus. A good introduction. •Does the job of clearly defining the topic covered in the essay and the specific aspects which will be discussed. See in particular last sentence of introduction. ( We will be looking at the structure of introductions more specifically in another class. ) • Grabs reader’s attention by including stats and a quote.
If you suffer from shyness, you are not alone, for shyness is a universal phenomenon. According to recent research, “close to 50 percent of the general population report that they currently experience some degree of shyness in their lives. In addition, close to 80 percent of people report having felt shy at some point in their lives” (Payne, 2000, p.
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5). As shyness is so prevalent in the world, it is not surprising that social scientists are learning more about its causes. They have found that shyness in an individual can result from both biological and environmental factors. This is the thesis statement of the essay.
It is the most specific sentence of the intro and indicates clearly what will be covered in the essay, and in what way it will be covered. This may be too detailed for this session and will be covered in session on paragraphs etc.. Body paragraphs are coherent and only deal with one aspect of the main topic. Paragraph 1 – covers the genetic causes of shyness Points are well supported by quotes Recent research reveals that some individuals are genetically predisposed to shyness. In other words, some people are born shy. Researches say that between 15 and 20 percent of newborn babies show signs of shyness: they are quieter and more vigilant.
Researchers have identified physiological differences between sociable and shy babies that show up as early as two months. In one study, two-month-olds who were later identified as shy children reacted with sign of stress to stimuli such as moving mobiles and tape recordings of human voices: increased heart rates, jerky movements of arms and legs and excessive crying. Further evidence of the genetic basis of shyness is the fact that parents and grandparents of shy children more often say that they were shy as children than parents and grandparents of non-shy children (Henderson and Zimbardo, 2005).
Paragraph 2 Not really a full paragraph, but it acts as a transition paragraph to move the reader from the genetic causes of shyness to the environmental causes. However, environment can, at least in some cases, triumph over biology. A shy child may lose much of his or her shyness. On the other hand, many people who were not shy as children may become shy adults, a fact that points to environmental or experiential causes. Paragraph 3 Covers first environmental cause The first environmental cause of shyness may be a child’s home and family life.
Children who grew up with a difficult relationship with parents or a dominating older sibling are more likely to be inhibited in social interactions. Another factor is the fact that today’s children are growing up in smaller and smaller families, with fewer and fewer relatives living nearby. Growing up in single-parent homes or in homes in which both parents work full time, children may not have the socialising experience of frequent visits by neighbours and friends. Because of the lack of social skills, they may begin to feel socially inhibited, or shy, when they start school (Smith, 2002). Paragraph 4 Covers 2nd environmental cause
A second environmental cause of shyness in an individual may be one’s culture. In a large study conducted in several nations, 40 percent of participants in the United States rated themselves as shy, compared to 57 percent in Japan and 55 percent in Taiwan. Of the countries participating in the study, the lowest percentage of shyness was found in Israel, were the rate was 31 percent. Researchers Henderson and Zimbardo argue that one explanation of the cultural difference between Japanese and Israelis lies in the way each culture deals with attributing credit for success and blame for failure. 2005, p. 20). “In Japan, an individual’s performance success is credited externally to parents, grandparents, teachers and others, while failure is entirely blamed on the person. Therefore the Japanese learn not to take risks in public and rely instead on group-shared decisions. ” (Henderson and Zimbardo, 2005, p. 22). In Israel, the situation is entirely reversed according to Henderson and Zimbardo. “Failure is externally attributed to parents, teachers, friends and other sources, while all performance success is credited to the individual’s enterprise” (2005, p. 22).
The consequence is that Israelis are free to take risks since there is nothing to lose by trying and everything to gain. (2005). Paragraph 5 Covers 3rd environmental cause In addition to family and culture, technology may play a role as well. In the United States, the number of young people who report being shy, has risen from 40 percent to 50 percent in recent years (Payne, 2005). The rising number of shy young people may be “due in part to the growing dependence on non-human forms of communication, coming about as a result of our huge advances in technology” (Payne, 2005, p. 6).
Watching television, playing video games and surfing the web have displaced recreational activities that involve social interaction for many young people. Adults too, are becoming more isolated as a result of technology. Face-to-face interactions with bank clerks, petrol station attendants and shop assistants are no longer necessary because people can use machines to do their banking, fill their petrol tanks and order merchandise. College students take online telecourses. Telecommuters work at home, giving up daily contact with co-workers. Everyone texts, e-mails and converses anonymously in online chat rooms.
As a result, people have less opportunity to socialise in person, become increasingly awkward at it and eventually start avoiding it altogether. In short, they become shy. Paragraph 6 Covers not a cause but the effects of shyness. While being shy has some negative consequences, it also has positive aspects. For one thing, it has been mentioned that shy people are good listeners (Smith, 2002). Furthermore, a university professor writing about his own shyness says “Because of their tendency towards self-criticism, shy people are often high achievers, and not just in solitary activities like research and writing.
Perhaps, even more that the drive towards independent achievement, shy people long to make connections to others, often through altruistic behaviour” (Benton, 2004, p. 110). Conclusion Shyness has both genetic and environmental causes. Some people come into the world shy, while others become shy as a result of their experience in life. This sentence echoes the thesis statement at end of introduction. It appears that most people have experienced shyness at some time in their lives and recent research indicates that the number of shy people is increasing. Therefore, if you are shy, you have lots of company. . last sentence possibly a little weak!! But still does the job! Further comments: Linking/transitional signals – use of these to introduced a new item or a change of direction in argument or point, helps the text to flow and easier to read and understand…use of these and many others will be looked at in another session. Other point which could be picked on is the writing style and the way the sentences are constructed. In many cases the 2nd clause (section) of the sentence has been r