I Can Call Myself a Christian

3 March 2019

I wake up every Christmas morning and after opening all of my presents and eating some ham, I sing happy birthday to Jesus. I know God appreciates my thoughtfulness and looks down from heaven with endless love and tender care as he gathers a congregation of angels to enjoy the serenity and beauty that reins from my vocal chords. I might as well ask God to forgive my sins while I’m at it, but being the good Samaritan that I am, I behaved all year round. I suppose on Christmas I should go to church, but I already wished Jesus a happy birthday so the process of going to church seems rather redundant, don’t you think? Instead I think I’ll reside within the comfort of my own home and express my gratitude by playing with all of my new toys as I fight with my siblings that God so graciously blessed me with.

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That’s the true spirit of Christmas. Happy B-day Jesus.

Of course I know who God is. I talk to him every Easter, Christmas, and when I really, really want something. He never fails me either. God gives me everything I desire, forgives all of my trespasses, leads me not into temptation, and delivers me from evil. Amen. God also listens to me every time I speak. For example, I say “Oh my God” at least 19 times a day, and occasionally I yell and shout “God Dammit!” When people ask me if I know God and if I talk to him at least five times a day, the answer is yes.

I can call myself a Christian because I continue to spread the word of the Lord throughout my daily life. Christianity doesn’t mean translating the bible into every language, or even going to church. I don’t care how early Jesus wakes up, no way in hell am I getting up before noon on a Sunday. The only people at church nowadays seem to be crying babies, and the floods of those high pitched soprano screams make it hard to pay attention. God recognizes this problem as well, and has pre-approved all of my unexcused absences every Sunday for the next ten years. Being one of the most forgiving and loving of Gods, made it easy to choose Christianity over Hinduism. Anyways, the main point of Christianity means having strong faith in Jesus. I know that Jesus will take care of me and nurture the poor as well. Instead of donating to charity, I simply tell the poor, the hungry, and the homeless, that they should be asking Jesus for help because I can’t really do anything for them. He made them that way, and He can fix it when he feels like it. Simple as that.

Anyone can become a Christian. It doesn’t take a saint or a nun to be a reputable person. Priests can be good people too. I have been a Christian since my baby days. My parents baptized me in the Catholic Church, and I’ve been God’s little angel ever since. My church activities include attending youth groups when there are free giveaways, visiting the elderly on the leap year, and taking free vacations to Africa to help the poor. Other than that, I don’t see the point in going to church since God lets me pass go and collect 200 dollars on the way to heaven anyways. It’s one of the many perks to being a Christian.
People know that I am a Christian because my Facebook says so. Other than that, I like to think of it as mine and God’s little secret. SHHH! Don’t read too loud or someone might hear you. If anybody finds out I am Christian, they might tell God all of the sins I have gotten away with. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt Him, and I would like to keep it that way.

At the end of the day God forgives and I forget. Being Christian pretty much gives me a free excuse to be perfect and ignore my sins. Who needs regrets in life? God doesn’t care if I’m mean, if I cuss, or if I don’t go to church. As long as I can call myself a Christian, God will express His eternal love for me.

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