Lawmakers Say “Screw It” and Cancel Health Care

12 December 2018

Washington DC—During an impromptu restroom meeting, top Lawmakers discussed on Monday the future of healthcare under the Trump Administration.

One of the most groundbreaking elements of the Affordable Care Act (aka “Obamacare”) is the mandate for comprehensive health care coverage for all Americans. Under the new administration, repealing the Affordable Care Act is a top priority, aiming to take affordable health care away from millions of Americans.

Conceding that providing equitable coverage to all Americans is near impossible, lawmakers decided to scrap the idea altogether and dismantle the health care system entirely.

“Nobody knew health care could be so complicated,” President Donald Trump said regarding the recent debates on health care reform.

After concluding that the economy functions better when the wealthiest Americans are able to hoard as much of the nation’s wealth as possible, Lawmakers endeavored to minimize the amount of money the 1% spends helping less-fortunate Americans. Lawmakers cited preventing the top 1% from paying more than their allotted “fair share” as a major incentive for eliminating health care, stating that like wealth, good health trickles down.

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“This makes things much easier on us,” House Speaker Paul Ryan said. “We’ve been working non-stop to try and come up with a replacement for the Affordable Care Act since its conception, and we’ve been drawing a blank.”
A main concern for GOP officials is preserving the long-held tradition of pandering to the millionaires and billionaires who keep them in office rather than protecting their constituents’ interests.

“Being re-elected is, of course, a major concern for all political officials,” Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell said, “but even though keeping voters happy is important, at the end of the day, it’s all about who’s paying the bills.”

One of the main questions emerging about this legislation concerns its effects on the state and progress of medical practices. Under this new law, Ryan expects that Americans will once again begin to depend on homeo- and naturopathic (i.e., free) remedies instead of modern western medicine, although research suggests that more serious procedures would be performed in the style of wartime medicine.

“It really wasn’t that bad,” said Dr. Kurt Schrude of the National Civil War Medicine Museum. “Surgeries were simple, and mostly amputation based, but you don’t really need both arms; that’s why you have more than one. And really, with all the money taxpayers will save on health care premiums, they can invest in a really good bottle of scotch to dull the pain.”

McConnell considers this legislation a reset button for the health care system, stating that “Maybe in a few hundred years or so, Americans will be able to look back on this bill and learn from the mistakes voters made in the 2016 election.”

Acknowledging that abolishing the health care system would result in more than 300 million Americans losing their insurance, Ryan stated that the bill was making good on President Trump’s promises that health care premiums would decrease under the new plan.

“Fiscally speaking, it makes perfect sense,” Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price stated. “We’ve managed to cut costs 100% from last year’s numbers. No one in this department has ever managed to pull off a feat like that before.”

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