Love and Everyday Life Theory
Second, I focus on my first love experience and use the liquid love theory of Bauman to analyze, additional I will discuss why I have this relationship and how can I enjoy it from the theory of Beck, U. and Beck-Gernsheim, E. Third, I will demonstrate my recent real emotion situation and discuss the new forms of love with the theory of Batchelor, S. Fourth, I will integrally analyze the three external love and indicate the self-realisation what I get from the three love experiences also with the theory of Beck, U. and Beck-Gernsheim, E.
Before I show the process of my first love relationship, I analyzed that the reason why I intended to start a relationship is that my everyday life was so repeating boring and I did not accept a belief like religion. In addition to it, which is most important, I had no feeling about connecting with other people from any communities. In senior high school, all of the thing I had to or I simply can do by studying in my everyday life. There are no clubs or activities in my senior high school in order to let students focus on studying so that students can get a high grade in the Gaokao.
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However, I had no interest in studying the boring and actually useless knowledge to deal with the Gaokao. Unfortunately, I was supervised to achieve the assignment like the exercises of universal gravitation commonplace life by teachers and my parents so that I had no chance and time to get a touch with new ideas and beliefs about life. Moreover, I got not so much touch with my classmates which are the most primary community I had because everyone is busy on their studying. Furthermore, I regarded the love as the hope and idealization due to copious propaganda from the media to a certain extent.
According to Beck and Beck-Gernsheim (1995), the transition from pre-modern society to modern society accelerated the commodity and individualization process, change the relationship between people and cut people from their traditional ties, beliefs and social connection and religion which are lead by the enlightenment and the industrial revolution. However, with the vanish of our faith and free from the material which make people accept more education and think more about life, love is regarded as a succedaneum replacing the group, becoming the hope and idealization of people, and lead people to believe and devote themselves to it.
Hence, it is proved that the reason why I chose to start a relationship with a girl is not naturally there emerged a girl I liked, but I had no value or beliefs or communities to guide my activities according to this theory. Coming from the opposite aspect, after a period time, I started to reduce the time on study, and found that there were other boys like me who are not interested in studying, so we built a group to do something together even cut a class. After that, I would not like starting a relationship imminently. Therefore, this change also supports the theory refers to why people choose to love from an opposite aspect.
Nevertheless, it is stated by Beck and Beck-Gernsheim (1995), that divorce figures are extraordinary people who in love or marriage always complain that why living together is so difficult and why can’t keep a long and meaningful love. As for this phenomenon, the liquid love theory of Bauman may give an appropriate explanation for it. Finally, I believe that for modern young people, the desire they start a love experience is not only the effect of no beliefs and no communities, but also the propaganda effect of love of contemporary mass media.
Combining my earliest love experience and the theory of liquid love, it is a typical liquid love. In the summer after the Gaokao, I went to a tourist attraction when I met my first girlfriend. I met her at an outdoor bar. We began by chatting and drinking, which are similar to the whole people to do in the bar. To a certain extent, this behavior for me may be influenced by the media about what happens in the bar and the environment around us. Then we kept touching with each other after that night. I stayed in that place for a month and before the night I left, we are agreed to start a “relationship”.
The “relationship” here is not a general relationship in the dictionary because we both knew we were not in the same city, same college and she was two years older than me. However, we did not make a commitment that there is a responsibility between us. After that time and until we broke up, we did not see each other anymore. So the most vital thing is all the approaches we kept contact with are the Internet and the mobile phone. We sent messages and chat on video every day. The conversation content is stereotyped about everyday life in college, and it is irrelevant with commitment.
This situation lasts two months and ends up on a meet which may lead us to break up. I went to her site and saw her on a holiday and it is confused that we can talk to each other fluently but at that day there were a obstruct separating our conversation. I think that the obstruct is afraid of responsibility. After that meet, we broke up. It is indicated that this kind of love is defined as the liquid love in the liquid modern society (Lee, 2003). To define liquid love, liquid society is supposed to be introduced.
Liquid modernity is proposed by Bauman (2003) that all forms of social construction are rootless and all of the traditional notions are destroyed not to be durable owing to the commodity in liquid modernity society. And in this society some purportedly fixed and indestructible ties of family, class, religion, marriage and perhaps even love aren’t as reliable or as desirable as they were. Bauman quotes,” In a consumer culture like ours, which favours products ready for instant use, quick fixes, instantaneous satisfaction, results calling for no protracted effort, foolproof recipes, all-risk insurance and money-back guarantees”.
It is summarized that the value and idea people own is influenced by the commercial purpose because except it social hierarchies do not form instantly other society power or beliefs especially in capitalist society which called ”liquid life”. So when targeting consumers accepted the value designed by marketing strategies, the value is only effective for a short period, never extended term because the marketing strategies are transitory and always change. Everyday Life today is filled with elements of liquid, most people can’t reject its liquid characteristic.
Take the place where I meet the girl, the marketing strategies in bar are encouraging people meet unexpectedly and developing the dubious connection. I was influenced by it and the environment so that I chose to chat with a girl not because I like her so much. Moreover, love is regarded as a consumer goods which are supposed to be yielding like any extra goods people consume. People give themselves the appropriate rights to consume love, something must be given consumers just like expectation from further purchases.
That’s a factor why we break up. I expect my goods can be novel, various and disposable, If my love can’t satisfy my need for the factors when we pick up and utilize the goods, I will abandon this goods. In a word, the most fundamental elements like families, love and sex are obeying economic rules, In addition to the commodity of love, the most significant character distinguished from traditional love in liquid love is that people are afraid of assuming the responsibilities but they also enjoy the advantages of a relationships.
The embody of steering of the responsibilities is not daring to make a binding commitment and use the ”being connected” to replace the relationship. Although it is uncertain whether the communication technologies like the Internet and mobile phone facilitate the less responsibilities relationship and offer a approach for people who do not want to commit themselves to achieve a internet relationships or that emerges is benefited by communication technologies, It is sure that people are willing to accept to be a part of the communication technologies network to avoid the responsibilities.
The only tools I used to keep touch with that girl is communication technologies which may offer me more imagination so that we can reduce the quality and quantity in our communication, after all it is not possible that I meet her everyday but just talk about the details in life and not refer to the future and responsibilities of our love. After the break-up, I can jabbered into mobile phones, addictively texted and leaped between kinds of chat room, deleted a date which wrote for my ex-girlfriend without pain.
It is summarized that we immediately feel a sense of belonging, like purchasing, I picked her so she is belong to me. From psychology, Bauman (2003) concludes the duality of liquid love, that is, less responsibilities as a balance problem of freedom and security according to Freud. It also confirms the theory of Beck, U. and Beck-Gernsheim, E, I start a love because I want to find a security to make up the lack of communities, however, I chose the liquid love because I want to be free from a relationship. And at the end of this experience, I found he sign of break-up, so I increased the time of video chat and went to her site to see her in order to fix the relationship. Nevertheless, the opposite consequence indicated what Bauman writes. ” attempts to tame the wayward and domesticate the riotous, to make the unknowable predictable and enchain the free-roaming – all such things sound the death knell to love”. Ultimately, it is related to a definition problem that is what is love, the courage to participate in the process or the process makes us beautiful.
Take my experience as a example, My part motivation of being together with the girl is the girl is beautiful and smart so that after I can promote my image and level in love, I can show I have a experience of love and I know what love it is. Love makes me feel beautiful. This refers to a question that what is real love and that the highest form of love is. My decision is not to be the highest form of love, so I start a liquid love. And the question about the different types of love, I will use my second love experience and the four love theory of C. S. Lewis to analyze.
According to Lewis (1960), my second love experience is a type of need-love. After the initial love experience, I was single for one year. I felt lonely sometimes especially when my roommates took their girlfriend outside of meal. So I decided to start my second love experience. When I firstly have a touch with this girl just because I thought she is pretty and I had no idea what characteristic this girl has. Afterward I made huge progress rapidly in just few days from chatting in the dinner time or the mobile phone. From we start a relationship to the break-up. It takes less than two months.
At this period, the thing we did together every day can be concluded as three types of thing. First, we took the male together every day. Second, we sent good nights to each other every night from mobile phones. Third, she sent gifts or some daily stuff to me when I am busy. As for the break-up factor, I think there is no need-relationship existing for me. I felt bored about this mechanization love experience and we had no communication in sprit. It is typically need-love, what I need is a girl taking care of my life and pass time when I feel lonely, and what she needs may has two aspects.
One aspect is someone is nice to her, the other aspect is to be a good girlfriend. She is a traditional girl and the highest standard of morality is being nice to her boyfriend so that it can satisfy her need of achieving value. Once the need is not there, the need-love vanished. According to Lewis (1960), the need love includes kinds of physically, emotionally, intellectually need like sex, avoid to loneliness. For me, it is hard to distinguish if these need is low or high or even all of them are desire. Except the need-love, Lewis (1960) similarly concludes the other two kinds love, that are, gifted-love and appreciate-love.
Gift-love can take the love from parents to children for examples, and appreciate-love refer that people decide to continue to give their love to others even though they know they will never enjoy the result of their love. However, critically evaluate the theory of Lewis, there is a paradox. Take my experience for example, the need of this girl is to achieve her morality standard, but the practical way of achieving it is to give, Hence, how to make a differences between gift-love and need love or there is actually no differences between them?
Additionally, the appreciate-love is described as higher than need-love and gift-love. Furthermore, the people who bestow appreciate-love may satisfy the need for achieving the value of the highest forms of love and get a self-atonement. Compared with my experience, what are the differences between these two kinds of need? In the final analysis, the need includes both physical and mental. So there is not pleasant to tell the boundary between different kinds of love. The concluding part of this project is to prove that all of these love is means to achieve self-realization and take all of my experience for examples.
It is stated by Swartz (2001) that self-realization is an individualization process which free people from limitation by building the conditioned beliefs, opinions, fears, desires, and habits. Meanwhile, Beck, U. and Beck-Gernsheim, E. proposed that love is not equal with fulfilment or even require it, love is a process you can find your real identity. Before my first love experience, I dreamed of having a girlfriend like my elder sister because I have no sisters. Nevertheless I found a girl who is two years older than me.
I labeled her as a smart, beautiful, sex independent elder sister, actually the imagination gave me more gratification than the fact. After that I realized that it is the question of myself. So I tried the succeeding love experience, the girl can represent the cute and virtuous types. After I find her some characteristics, I found she is not suitable for me. I realized that how a label can affect myself, I knew my habits generally, and I really knew accurately the need what can satisfy myself. Now, I am single, however, I always think what I need, reconsider my beliefs and conclude my habits.
According to Batchelor (1983), being alone is a new form of love that can lead people find themselves into the world. So I can free me from labels and kinds of limitation to find my identity. However, critically evaluate this self-realization theory, it is absolute. If someone’ identity is to seek the hypocritical label as an approach to satisfy his need, how can he find his real self from love? That indicated that the real self has no standard to define. As a consequence of self-realization during this period, I had an affection for a girl.
It is stated by Lewis (1960) that affection is a generalized love, which include the love between people and people, animal or objects, and the most primary feature of affection is familiar, like the child will love a crusty old gardener who is familiar with him rather than a visitor who is making every attempt to win its regard. For me, I know this girl for a long time, I am familiar with her, and I know she almost all advantages and disadvantages. However, I do not label her as which kinds of type any more, I can realize my authentic self from being with her, and I think that I can do a give-love to her.
C. S. Lewis quotes,” Love, having become a god, becomes a demon. “It is can be concluded that this affection can let hate and love existing together, which I am willing to avoid. In conclusion, I show my three loves in this project and conclude them as the archetypal type with the theory of love. First is the liquid love, it has three characteristics: no commitment, commodity and duality. Second is a need-love, however, it is analytically evaluated that there is no strict boundary or differences between gift-love, need-love and appreciate-love.