Paragraph 1 This paragraph is supposedly the introductory paragraph of the essay.
Only $13.90 / page
In this paragraph, the writer wrote general statements about “Mickey Mouse” and then narrowed down to his/her opinion instead. What I understand by reading the introductory paragraph is that the writer assumes that “Mickey Mouse” is a bad influence towards the society and should be banned.A proper way to end this paragraph would be clearly by stating in what ways “Mickey Mouse” becomes a bad influence to the society or the basic reasons why “Mickey Mouse” should be banned and then explain it further in the upcoming paragraphs so that readers would tend to know the general idea of the essay. Instead, the writer just ended the paragraph without stating the general idea of the entire essay. This shows that there are no proper supporting sentences in this paragraph.
Paragraph 2 This paragraph is meant to be the first body paragraph of the essay.The topic sentence in this paragraph states that “Mickey Mouse” affects the culture of the society and then narrowed it down to say that it affects youngsters the most. The writer than has a supporting sentence which states why does he/she say so. The supporting sentence can be noticed in lines 7-8. As for lines 9-10, it would not be necessary as it has already been stated at the end of the introductory paragraph. The concluding sentence of this paragraph can be seen in lines 11-12. Paragraph 3 This paragraph states that “Mickey Mouse” influences the dressing of girls.
The topic sentence can be observed in line 13. The sentences that support the topic of this paragraph can be seen in lines 14-17. To end the paragraph, the writer gave an example which he/she thinks is the immediate effect of dressing vulgarly. The example can be seen from lines 19-20. Paragraph 4 This paragraph supposedly talks about “Mickey Mouse’s” ears which seems to affect the hairstyle of youngsters. In my opinion, this entire paragraph seems to be very irrelevant. Not only that, some points stated in this paragraph are not necessary.
There is not unity and coherence in this paragraph.It only has the topic sentence which is stated in line 21. Paragraph 5 This paragraph is the fifth body of the essay. This paragraph talks about the exorbitant prices charged for “Mickey Mouse”. The supporting sentences can be noticed in lines 31-32. The concluding sentence does seem suitable for this paragraph. Paragraph 6 This is the concluding paragraph of the entire essay.
The writer states the topic sentence which he/she stated in the first/introductory paragraph. General Comments in my opinion, this essay is not entire relevant. Some of the points do not support each other.Other than that, there are points that don’t seem to be necessary in this essay. Also, in the introductory paragraph the writer states that “Mickey Mouse” effects the minds of both young and old people but in the entire essay, the writer does not have any points to support the statement that “Mickey Mouse” effects old people. All the points are more to the bad influences “Mickey Mouse” has towards youngsters. There I do not think this essay has the presence of unity and coherence.
Readers might no get all the information that the writer is tryin to tell them through this essay.