Modest Proposal for Solving the United States' Economy

The United States of America, what more can be said about it? A prosperous country, a country of integrity and honesty, well at least it was before the government started spying on all of us, but it’s okay because it’s the government. Lots of people around the world want to live the American Dream that we are living. You can own a house, make a salary, practice free religion, shoot deer, burn down a forest and work as an informant for the FBI and be able to murder people for several decades. People in places like Toga and Bolivia would kill to have our lives, yet we complain about something pointless like the line at McDonalds or how their boyfriend doesn’t love them.

There is a slight problem however. At one point the U.S. was one of the few successful countries around the world. Now countries like China, India, France, Japan, and Canada have grew very rapidly when it comes to their economy. Even though the U.S. still has an advantage as being the true superpower, if economic problems still arise in the country, we might actually lose our grip on being the most successful. How successful are these other countries becoming? The United States per capita income or the average income per person is about fifty thousand dollars which is seventh around the world. The highest ranked country is Qatar, which is about one hundred thousand dollars per person. Granted the population of Qatar doesn’t even come close to the U.S. 315 million, but being able to make over a hundred thousand dollars a year would be dream come true for most people in America. Believe it or not America is not successful as you think it is. For a country to be successful, factors like unemployment and homeless rate should not be an issue. America has an unemployment rate of about 7.3 percent. It has been down from a high 10 percent during Bush and Dick’s administration, but it’s still not too impressive. Approximately three million people become homeless each year due to the main reason of America’s high living cost and low income lifestyle. Nearly eight percent of America’s working class without jobs and several million people living on the streets does not sound like a country of prosperity to me. Also take into account the amount of kids that dropout of school. The high school dropout rate is about three million students each year. These young people are ineligible for about 90 percent of all U.S. jobs. A good percentage of these young adults either end up homeless, in prison, or dead, so it’s important to fix the economy and get people high paying jobs because it is next to impossible to convince kids to stay in school. The debt our government has to deal with is tremendously overwhelming, about 17 trillion dollars. We all know our government cannot afford to pay any of this back.
To solve our economic problem I have a proposal. It’s fairly simple and straightforward. My proposal is to cut the population by having our citizens by kill off one another; Congress has never thought of this idea. In today’s society, the media and pop culture dominates our television sets whether its Kim Kardashian’s fashion, Miley Cyrus’s sexual insecurities, or when the Next Charlie Sheen breakdown is going to happen. If this is the case, why not use it to create a solution? In the past few years, there has been a new movie franchise, The Hunger Games series. The setting of the book-based films follows a bunch of teenagers competing in battles to the death. People always copy what they see in the media; just ask the several young boys who were inspired by Mortal Kombat. If young people can look to movies and video games for inspiration, then the government should be able to also. With this being said, we will solve our problems by a means of having battles to the death. By having Americans kill each other there will obviously be less people, which means less competition for jobs, which means people without jobs can get jobs; people with jobs means people with more money, people with more money means people will be buying more things, people buying more things will stimulate the economy which will allow our country to experience an economic growth. Now this might not make sense so let’s break it down further. When someone gets killed off, the job they have will be available to someone who has the skills necessary to succeed in that job but struggled to find a job in that field or was recently laid off. With one person dead and one person without a job getting his job will mean one less person on the unemployment rate. If that happens with everyone who currently has a job and everyone who doesn’t, unemployment will decrease. A problem that might arise is that too many jobs are being open and cannot be filled quickly enough to the amount of the departed. To address this let’s ask ourselves a question: does Tom Cruise really need to act in movies anymore? Can’t he help put together boxes in a factory or shovel s*** out of a horse’s stall? How about sports teams? We don’t need 400 players in the NBA or a thousand players in the NFL. These people are overpaid, and there is only a few teams in each sport worth watching anyways, so let’s decrease the roster size to about six teams per major sport, and the rest can actually contribute something to society rather than their B-level sports skills.

By cutting the population, you’re not only solving a national issue but a world issue will as well. America is in the top five of energy consumption around the world. If half country ceases to exist, then the problems with global warming and other environmental problems will not be fixed entirely but enough to not have to worry much about it. If there is less people in America using energy, the government focus on developing nuclear power and other sources of energy is not as high as it is today which means, more money for the goddamn government.
Now this idea sounds very inhumane and savage-like, but we’re human beings; we have to be murderous, aggressive, and angry; it’s in our DNA. Some rich bastard in a suit will probably argue that the government will never sanction the killings of innocent people. The government will do anything to benefit themselves whether a person wants to believe it or not. Don’t believe me just ask Bobby Kennedy about his brother’s murder. Oh, wait a minute, he’s dead too. How ironic? The brother of the president, which six in ten Americans believe was a conspiracy, was murdered the year he was running for president. Richard Nixon ended up winning the election that year. That is quite strange; we all knew what happened with him; Mr. Dick “Paranoid” Nixon quit his job before he could get fired for spying on the Democrats, OMG, so I don’t think that the government will have an issue with having people kill each other because they will benefit from it in the long run. Also technically the government isn’t directly killing its people, so it should be fine right? Our democratic, power by the people nation is slowly evolving into government run by the rich and powerful few, so we might as well get our dictatorship in now before the government surprises us in the future.

If President Obama and Congress do decide to sign off on this execution bill, then how should it be done? This is what I think, have it be something like the Olympics, occurs every four years. It will be broadcasted on live television on primetime networks like NBC, ABC, and MTV. The death matches will consist of 20 million participants. Each of these 20 million will receive a golden ticket in the mail with the date and location of the battles. Failure to participate in these matches will result in lifetime incarceration in a newly developed labor camp located in Boise or death. The locations of the battles will correspond with the four regions of the United States, the West, the South, the Midwest and the Northeast. States in the Northeast will participate in our nation’s capital, Washington D.C. Michelle and Barrack will get front row seats. Having dinner in the oval office, looking out the window at people slaughtering each other, how much more romantic can you get? Up in the Midwest, people of that region will be fighting in Chicago, Illinois. A prestigious city with a high crime rate; might as well add more crime to the city. What better place to have out West than in Las Vegas. The City of Sin, people can fight from the Vegas Strip all the way out into the desert. To ensure more entertainment, Vegas showgirls will act as cheerleaders. Last but not least, the Southern blood sports will be held in none other than Greenbrier, Arkansas! Each of these regions will consist of five million people, 20 million people across the nation every four years. There will be one survivor from each region; these men will continue on to the Final Four. This final battle will be held in Times Square in New York City on live pay-per-view. The battles will end when 19,999,999 people are dead and there is only one survivor. In eight years there will be 40 million casualties; in 16 years there will 80 million. That is over a quarter of the country. When the United States gets to a reasonable population, below 30 million, then the government will sign off on the bill to suspend the games. The unemployment rate will definitely be next to zero percent. A problem that might happen is that five million people in one city plus all of its residents. These people will be temporarily moved to somewhere in Wisconsin or the Democratic Republic of the Congo during the duration of the war games. To help the homeless out, they will be paid to help pile up all of the corpses and spray down and clean up all of the blood on the ground. Like any other deceased person, family will be called in to identify the body and will decide on whether to bury or cremate them.

Now how do we select 20 million people of our nation’s population? There will be certain criteria and other factors that will determine a person’s eligibility. To prevent any backlash from child abuse agencies, only people from ages 18 and over will be selected. Any persons over the age of 18 who is physically, mentally, or unable to work will not participate in these battles; any old people who are retired or no longer looking for work will not participate because they’re not fighting for any jobs; there’s no point to killing innocent people. Also to prevent any feminists from protesting this bill, women will not be participating. Besides, men are the sole reason this world sucks and the reason our country is in this mess, so we deserve to get what’s coming to us. Out of respect for the brave people in our armed forces, any current or retired military personnel will not participate in any battles, but rather they will provide security just in case things get out of hand. Any man who is at the top of the ladder of big businesses and large corporations will not participate because they are already in cahoots with the federal government and will not allow the bill to be passed if they knew their lives were at stake. Instead these presidents and CEOs will sponsor the battles. They will provide weapons, automobiles, first aid kits, and food and drinks. In the end, less people working for big businesses mean the bosses will make more money for themselves. As for myself I will not be participating for the reason that I proposed the idea of these war games. Also killing is against my personal beliefs so I definitely should not be forced to be involved.
Men who are eligible will have their names put into a system and the machine will automatically and randomly pick names. Any male not fitting the criteria above will be eligible. As said, failure to compete when one is required will result in imprisonment or death in a number of different ways: firing squad, burning at the stake, bleeding to death due to slow castration, beaten up by a gorilla or a miniature explosive device shoved up the man’s rectum or planting it inside his scrotum. Any man who has had a history of crime will have a more likelihood of being drafted; any convicted murderers, rapists, child molesters, and terrorists will be have to participate in every single battle for the rest of their lives. People who have any religious views will not be pardoned if they are selected. The question these people need to ask is, “Would God want me to protect myself?” The answer is “yes” because technically these games can be mainly about self -defense believe it or not. A man doesn’t need to go up to another man and kill him; he just needs to let people come to him and defend himself. It is quite simple; the only true murderer is whoever draws first blood.

There will be rules during these death matches to ensure no cheaters. Rule number one is no firearms or explosives. The battles will be fought like our ancient ancestors, melee weapons only. Every melee weapon is fair game: knives, swords, chainsaws, shovels, crowbars and fruit. Fruit can be a deadly and vicious weapon if a person thinks about it. You know how hard an apple or a melon is? If you had a bunch of apples, you can seriously beat a guy to death. Rule number two is that each person is allowed six timeouts throughout the whole game. If a person needs to take time to catch his breath, sharpen his knife or take a leak, he will be allowed 10 seconds to do so without any harassment. Each person will get some sort of device on their ankle that they will press the button for to call a timeout. The device will record how many seconds you have remaining on your timeout, how many timeouts were taken and how many are remaining. A person going over the limit will result in the bracelet exploding instantaneously. Rule number three is no cheap shots. Any shot below the belt will result in an automatic disqualification and execution. The last rule of the game is no mercy. A man is fighting for his life; he can’t let his conscious get the best of him. If a man is seen having the opportunity to kill someone but refuses, he will instantly be shot by a sniper, no questions asked.

To develop some sort of tradition, these games will be formatted exactly like the Olympics. On the first day of the games, there will be an opening ceremony held in Times Square. The performance will be connected to TVs all over the country. America the Beautiful will be sung by Jimmy Buffett, and Michael McDonald and Prince will sing a duet of our national anthem. Actor Christopher Walken will carry a lit torch from Madison Square Garden to the center of Times Square. The passing and lighting of the torch will signify the start of the games. Once the torch is passed, Anthony Weiner will press a button that will simultaneously ring a bell for each of the four regions to declare the start, and the killings will begin from then. Like the Olympics medals will be given to those who come in third, second, and first. The bronze and silver medals will be placed upon the lifeless bodies of third and second place winners. The sole survivor will receive the prestigious gold medal, and will be handed a bouquet of flowers from former U.S. President Jimmy Carter. Lionel Richie will sing a song in honor of the man’s victory. After the celebration ceremony, the games will be held off for another four years where the victor will defend his title of being the last man alive. Until then life will resume as it was before.

Imagine the aftermath of the battles. Decomposing organisms are everywhere, dead bodies and blood all over the ground. Cities will smell like John Wayne Gacy’s house, and millions of people will be crying. Sounds very sad but look on the bright side millions of jobs are open; people who have been without jobs will be able to work, and people who still have a job will continue to work. Unemployment, homeless, and crime rate will be dramatically low. There are no more environmentalist freaks complaining about recycling and wasting resources because there will be bunch of dead people. Everything will be better once half the population is gone; people don’t have to worry about their children’s future because they’ll have a higher paying jobs; no one cares about global warming, just like no one does now. A person has no idea the impact these war games will have on not only our country but our world as whole. Who knows, maybe these games will become popular around China, and some other countries want to participate and make it a world-wide event. Imagine that, hundreds of millions of people killing each other every four years. Boy this world would be so much better wouldn’t it? One might think that this violence won’t solve anything and will make our planet even worse but ask this question: would you kill a man to save a baby…Exactly.

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