Music and Silence

5 May 2019

As much as I would like to say I know who I am and I know what I’m going to do, I can’t. I love noise, but dislike silence, I think. I tried all day to inspire myself for this essay with music but I wasn’t inspired until the music stopped. I found my inspiration in the quiet that I thought I didn’t like. I find myself undecided, I find myself liking the experience of indecision, of the possibility of all choices, and disliking the fruitlessness of that indecision. Do I like silence or do I like noise? Art or math? Chocolate ice cream or vanilla? What am I drawn to write about in this essay? I tend to have a sort of schizophrenic decision making process, never wanting to choose, or choosing, and then feeling regret. Recently, I came to peace with my indecision. I’ve realized that it’s okay to be indecisive right now.

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I believe that every possibility has a value that I want to consider and I want to be able to act on as many possibilities as I can, without compromising any of them.

I’ve never led a “normal” life and I never want to. So, though it may be odd to some, I look forward to what’s not going to be easy. I’ve lived in three very different places too: Maui, Toronto and Syracuse. The massive whales floating carefree by the shores of Maui, hopping from restaurant to restaurant in downtown Toronto, and hanging out with my friends by the high school in Syracuse, has given me a glimpse of the rich range of choices I will have to choose from. Having learned early on of the boundless infinity of options out there is definitely a key root of my indecision. I want to try a little bit of everything, but I want to know that what I do resonates with who I am.

Moving to a city like Boston with its unlimited opportunities, would allow me to explore the possibilities of life and discover the possibilities that I am naturally drawn to. My unusual experiences make me who I am today and my indecision will add to who I become tomorrow. At this moment in my life the entire world is open to me. There are so many opportunities, so much I want to experience, so much I’m interested in. Of course, with my indecision and my open interests, I face the difficulty of trying to do too much, spreading myself too thin and therefore getting almost nowhere. I can’t choose everything, there’s just not enough time. I am ready to face the difficulty of becoming creative in my indecision, making it an experience that will help me discover what I want most. I want to explore all of life that I can. That is the one decision I know for sure is true.

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