Standing outside the church, I felt the cool breeze run past my face. There was something different about this breeze. It felt lively as if a hand was running through my hair. Flowers were beginning to blossom and they were moving gracefully along with the breeze. There were birds everywhere and the strong scent of spring was familiar. I looked up into the sky and saw the sun rays beaming through the passages made by the clouds. The view of the sky and my surroundings was one which reminded me of a description from the bible. The formation of the clouds made me feel as if the heavens were opening up to let the angels out, and that is what I needed at that time, an Angel. At that moment I knew I could sit on the porch and gaze into the sky for hours but I was interrupted when my aunt took my hand and led me towards the entrance of the church. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as I was about to face reality. I was not prepared and wanted so badly for this to all be a dream. I knew that once I passed those doors, my life would be changed forever. What seemed to be the perfect day, ended up being the worst day of my life.
While most ten year old girls played with Barbie’s, I would be at the hospital looking after my mother. Every day I watched her get weaker even though she continued to fight against the battle of cancer. The enemy grew, and crawled like spiders inside her body destroying everything in its path. The destruction left behind caused my mom to be paralyzed waist down, deaf, and bald from the therapy. The only way my family and I could communicate with my mother was by writing everything down on a dry erase board. I detested seeing her in pain, and I knew she was hiding her true feelings from my sister and me every time we would visit her. It was unbearable for me to see her in the condition she was in and often I would leave the room so that I could keep myself together. The hardest part for my mother was when family would visit. She would have a hard time saying good bye, because she knew, deep inside, it may be the last time she would see them.
I prayed intensely every night, crying, and begging for God to help my mom get well so she could come home; I desperately wanted my life to be normal again. I wanted my life to be like it used to be when my mom and I would go shopping together, when I would go to work with her, when I would sit and watch Mexican novelas with her while she played with my hair as I sat on her lap, and when she would brace me in her arms tightly every day before I went to school. But endless nights of praying led me nowhere. My mother’s health deteriorated instead of getting better. I did not understand what I was doing wrong. I prayed for her, and believed God would answer my prayers. My mother was trying her best to live longer; but God was not letting her. Over time she lost the battle and passed away. Losing my Mom in this world forever impacted my life in ways I never expected.
After her death, I blamed God for letting her go and refused to believe in him. I told myself that if God was real, He would not have let this happen to my mother, He would not have taken her away from me. I also questioned my mother’s love for me, because I wanted to know why she had fought for so long and all of a sudden give up? How could she give up on her family and leave us? Then I realized, God did not take my mother’s life to hurt me, He took her life so that she would be free from the pain and suffering she was going through. I then began to wonder how selfish could I have been? My Mom was in great pain and all I could do was think of myself and this led me to conclude that her leaving was for the best. Every night before I went to bed I cried, because I felt horrible. I knew God would forgive me for not believing in him, but I just prayed and worried that my Mom did not leave this world thinking that she had failed her family.
Coping with her death was hard, and still is hard but I have learned a few things along the way: Never take life for granted, God has a reason behind ever situation, tomorrow is not promised like today, and to treat each day as if it were your last. As an individual, I have become a stronger person emotionally and mentally. For instance this situation has given me the courage to live past the loss of my mother and to accept reality as it comes. This has helped me persevere through other hardships I have come across and gives me strength to face the obstacles which lie ahead of me in the future. I have also become less selfish and have realized the importance of empathy and sympathy in life. My mother’s death has motivated me to want to succeed in life, because I want my mother to be proud of me. Her education was limited to high school, and I know she would be happy to see me attending and graduating college. I cry from time to time as I remember how it used to be with her alive. I talk to her at night telling her how much I miss her, and how I wish she was here to see me grow up into the woman I have become.
I am certain that my Mom lives within my heart and I feel her soul in the breeze like I did that day before I walked through the church doors. If I close my eyes and concentrate, I can even picture her in front of me. I know she is looking down on me, smiling, as I write this essay to get accepted into college and begin a new chapter in my life. Even though time has passed and I am about to embark on a new journey I continue each day to smile because I know that God made the sky look as if the heavens were opening up that day for a reason; to take my mother as an angel, and yet, only to send her back down to be my angel for eternity.