no new mistakes

4 April 2019

“Angely am I a bad mother?” those words pierced my ears the same way painful way it pierced my heart. Different feelings started to pound slowly as I saw my strong and independent let tears fall from her beautiful face that’s never let her guard down. She believed the words the words of individuals that only study one problem my brother they did not study my mom. A mother that has done everything for her son, but he just didn’t care I guess. I could not think why she would believe those words. My mother was broken down e my brother had finished her it was as if they kicked her when she was down and left a bruise nowhere else then her heart.
My brother Kevin once innocent and kind turned into a boy of hate that you could see blazing through his eyes. I could only make one conclusion out of this, it’s because of the absence of his father who is the exact image of him and we could only see a road of endless trouble that people looking in would only see how “bad” my mom raised my brother. He didn’t really care much about how people saw his actions but I saw how it hurt my mother she didn’t want to give up. He saw my mother’s love and how bad she wanted him to do good and succeed in life, but he continued to sell drugs and take them and be involved in gang violence that lead him to jail many times. He is the reason why my mother struggles and always comforts the questions if she is a fit mother.
I only felt pure confusion burning in me trying to separate what should I be doing and what I should be doing for my mother. That is all I could think about making my mother proud of me and distracting her from the bad thoughts I wanted to be her super hero. I could only think to myself she needs someone to display to the world and show that she had done a good job despite the fact that she was dyslexic and I had hydrocephalus and we still did it. I had a mission which I knew It was going to de difficult but I would rise above them all to give my mother the glory and fill her with delight. I had to forget my friends and free time and make it about my mother.
I started doing good in school and every time I would give her my report card she would have this smile and this light that nobody could explain like happiness and satisfaction, she would brag about me and how dedicated I was I wanted that all the time, she finally was not paying attention to the bad and realizing it isn’t her choice how he wants to live his life she gives him the tools and he decides how he wants to use them. My mom did absolutely everything she could so that I could do my best. I was so happy and satisfied. At school was a different story it was competing with all the other smart kids and still trying to fit in. I didn’t know what to do I wasn’t prepared to deal with this I was lost so I tried to so both. I was considered part of the cool people because we did all the cool things but they will also bother me why I was so serious during class and making us do our work and I could just laugh and smile and remember my mom’s smile when she sees my report card and the only way I could respond was its just something I have to do. They didn’t understand but they kept pushing me to do these things that I saw my brother and sister go through and I knew it wasn’t good so I wouldn’t do it, I was too scared but I knew I did the right thing. There I realized I didn’t know how to make mistakes because I had already learned from so many I didn’t know why I would do it to myself. I missed out on a lot because of my brother and trying to make my mother proud but it was all for a good reason. All I know now is that is okay to make mistakes if you move on and make them right for the future.
If it’s my brothers, mothers, or sisters mistakes they are all mistakes and things you have to learn from to make them better for you myself. I move on knowing that I might not be smart in a room of 50 students I am the world to my mother.

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