Once a Victim, Always a Victim

5 May 2019

My heart raced, bounding so hard it felt as if it was going to explode! My stomach was tied in a knot… Everything I wasn’t being magnified and pushed out, it was as if that wasn’t who I was. I had no one I, might have we’ll be gone even though it was as if I wasn’t sadly I was. All my family would say was “You’re strong, you can get through this” Constantly I heard “You’re strong, in here for you if you need me”, but they weren’t ever there? They were never there! I remember sitting there in my room drowning in my own tears thinking why me? Out of all people why me? What did I do to deserve this? Through this dark time I remember looking outside. I soon realized a little leaf on the bush outside my window as it was rotting away, it seemed to just be holding on its base by a thread. I heard a faint sound coming from the hall way, my mother and father were arguing. It seemed to never end. All I wanted to do was be gone, I didn’t want to be here anymore. Laying there I started to think straight. I started to think “No one should have to go through this, no one should have to feel all this pain, the feeling of being so worthless and damaged. In an instant I was up on my feeling and puncturing my hand into the wall at that second I felt my hand go numb. I flushed with anger and hate, I wanted to destroy everything in my way, I started to push everything down making them shatter into smithereens, and I couldn’t stop myself. My mother rushed in the room trying to hold me down. She held me tight and said “Don’t let this ruin you, I love you mija” but what she didn’t already know was that it already had, I was barley holding on, I couldn’t go on anymore.Mom broke into tears I could feel them making my hair wet as she help me so tight. I for once in a long time felt safe the warmed of her body filled me with a feeling that I have never felt before. We sat on the floor, what seem to feel like hours, trying to calm down. As she looked at me with a lifeless look on her face her than said “I’m not just going to let this go this time, we need to stop this chain” I felt so faint and lightly, like if it had all been a dream.

But what I wish was a dream was when I went to the children’s advocacy center, and as I walked through the halls, I saw lots of painted hands against the wall, sizes from a 3 year old to someone who was at least 20, the hands seemed to never end I soon felt over whelmed, my heart literally sunk in .I atomically knew what that knew what the hands stood for. They stood for all the children and adults that had gone through what I had. I felt sick to my stomach with a splash of anger as I thought about all the innocent children who had been abused. Coming to my sense I starting thinking to myself. My experience has lead me to want to help others, and with that said, I want to be a Children’s psychologist because I want to help those who had been hurt like I have, because I will be able make a connect, and would know how they feel because I have experience the same, most will feel as if it was all their fault but it wasn’t and I would be able to help them push through.No one should have to go through those horrific actions and even though it will happen somewhere in the bones of this dying world I will be there for those who need help.

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