A Shopping Disaster I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘You’re definitely going to poop yourself’ chili. Tasty stuff, hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me, that if you eat this potion the next day, both of your butt cheeks will fall off. Surprisingly I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee nothing happened.

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Despite Hibernia peppers swimming their way through my Intestinal react, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next-door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of Just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wall- Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first, all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing It about dropping Items in for purchase, as any other average American.

It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don’t kook at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh Oh, got to go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habeas in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step In the direction of the restrooms, which would bring sweet relief, It happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone In the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped n a noxious cloud, the likes of which had never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

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Slowly, Oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, Just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don’t know what made me do It, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked Into It unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn In two different directions emotionally?

Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure mom of you at least will be able to relate. I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Was It karma, or a mistake because little did I know, when you laugh, it’s hard to keep things clamped down’, if you know what I mean?

With ACH new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. It was coming, and I raced through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make It before the grand mall began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my butt was burning SO BAD!

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the rue meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly stumbled for the door. Once finished I left the restroom, located my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set Off stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem. ‘ That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.

The employee took one sniff, impede back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU! ‘ He ran off returning moments later with the manager. Wasn’t hard for them to find me. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return, ever. Home again, with empty hands, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went shopping at Albertson. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

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