The Big Secret

Have you ever had a secret so huge and heart breaking? You lied about it to hide the truth from others, especially your parents. Some secrets can be painful or a surprise to others. I think my mom knew my secret but was in denial and was waiting for me to say it. Besides, since I thought she already knew I just ignored ever telling her until I left home for college. You want to know what my secret is. My secret is that I am a lesbian and have a girlfriend.

The time I finally told my parents that I am a lesbian were when my girlfriend told her mom. It wasn’t like I sat down and said I’m gay. I waited and just told my mom that I have a girlfriend. Yes, she was disappointed. She was so mad and hurt that it even hurt me. During the months afterwards I felt bad when I told my mom that my girlfriend and I were going out because she didn’t like it. In addition to that, I felt bad because I am my mom’s only child and she wants me to have kids and be married to a man. However, that’s not what I want. I don’t want to get married to a man and don’t even know if I want to get married to a woman. Marriage itself is a huge step no matter what the gender is. I usually lied to them on where I w as going or doing because I felt like I already embarrassed them. Sometimes I feel like my grandma is ashamed of my being gay because she doesn’t want me telling anyone in school or even our family. She says she’s not ashamed but I doubt that at times. Its like she’s embarrassed but I mean I don’t blame her because it’s not something every parent wants. At one time their anger and pain got to the point where they made me take my orientation off on my myspace that said Lesbian.

This might be funny or dumb to you and I know you are probably thinking, oh that’s it. Well this wasn’t an easy secret that my parents can forgive you for or leave it alone. Although I was scared to tell her that I am gay I am scared to tell her that I might want to adopt. Yes, my grandma is still praying for me to find a nice young man to get married to and give her great children. Telling them that I’ve been thinking of adoption just might make the situation worse than what it is. Its already weird and awkward to talk to your parents about sex or being in a relationship. Now imagine trying to talk to them about a relationship where the other person is the same gender as you. From time to time grandma might bring up how GOD didn’t make it for woman and woman to be together but I told her that I believe that GOD wants to be happy which I am. I do believe that it is possible for gay people to go to heaven.

Now as time flew by my parents have tried to accept it but I understand it is hard for them. Grandma says I have changed since I don’t talk to her about everything I do and she says that I’m becoming grown. Telling her everything I do is asking for too much from me. I have to grow up but I don’t plan on doing this too soon. I want to grow up being independent, achieving my goals, and learning new things every day.

As for my grandfather, I haven’t told him and I don’t think I ever will. I am terrified and scared that he might just stop talking to me. The other day he had said the reason why we moved out of Adams Morgan in DC was because of gay people. I do feel like I am a disappointment to my parents but I am always being known as the girl in the family who is bragged about. My parents’ brags to everyone how well I do in school, how I have traveled to England and France, how I am in the band, and how I have a car and job. I don’t want them to do this too much because I’m not the type of person that wants or needs everyone’s praise or boost. I am the type of person that follows my heart, and do what I say I am going to do or what I believe is right. Most of my family knows and really doesn’t have a problem with it. They just tell me to be careful, or if it’s what I want, they are not mad. However as time flies, my parents have become a little easy on me with that heartbreaking secret I held for so long. Now they just accept it, but from time to time my mom still brings up the question of if she will ever become a grandmother. I am happy that I told them because it was the responsible thing to do. Besides if you define gay, it will say happy and happy is something that I really am. I’m happy I told them and I’m happy of who and what I am.

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